


monochrome checkered duvet.

by earltrancy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 10:27:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13456314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earltrancy/pseuds/earltrancy
Summary: “Get out.”Phil remembers saying it. He remembers the blood thrumming in his ears, the sting in the corners of his eyes.He remembers Dan’s eyes meeting his, the flicker of surprise in them that gave way to solemn understanding.He remembers expecting anger. The anger he'd become so accustomed to. The anger he'd long since realized he'd been hoping for. He’d wanted anger. He'd wanted yelling, screaming, pain.He’d been praying for a fight with a man who’d had no fight left in him.





	monochrome checkered duvet.

“Get out.”

Phil remembers saying it. He remembers the blood thrumming in his ears, the sting in the corners of his eyes. 

He remembers Dan’s eyes meeting his, the flicker of surprise in them that gave way to solemn understanding.

He remembers expecting anger. The anger he'd become so accustomed to. The anger he'd long since realized he'd been hoping for. He’d wanted anger. He'd wanted yelling, screaming, pain. 

He’d been praying for a fight with a man who’d had no fight left in him.

What he got instead was a small nod. Dan silently closing his laptop and rising from where he sat on his bed. 

“Why now?”

Phil remembers his heart wrenching at the question, not just why, but why now, like he’d known it would come to this sooner or later, like he'd known it was only a matter of time. And he remembers rejecting that horrible feeling, and the entire complicated thought process that went with it, in favor of righteous anger of his own, because that was easier.

“I can't fucking take it anymore, Dan, that's why! You're my whole life, all I want is to take care of you, to love you, to give you everything. And you still fucking push me away, like everything I can give still isn't enough. Like I'm not enough. Loving you… you're sucking the life out of me from loving you.”

What Phil remembers then is Dan giving him a blank stare. Blinking at him once, twice, three times. 

What he doesn't remember, couldn't remember, is Dan’s heart racing, his chest constricting as guilt flooded his veins, thinking God, no, what have I done, wishing he’d freed Phil sooner, wishing he wasn't so selfish to try to hold on to this angel he knew he didn't deserve, he’d contaminated him. 

No, what Phil remembers is another nod and a soft “Okay.”

He remembers Dan taking his laptop, his phone, his wallet. A few other essentials. 

He remembers following Dan to their door, and then hands on his cheeks and lips on his lips and a quiet but firm voice declaring “I love you so damn much” like he was begging him not to forget it. 

And he remembers the door closing before he could respond; he’d whispered “You don't get to say that” to the empty air. 

__________

Dan > you can post my other things to my mum’s house, i’ll pay you back the cost. just assuming you'd rather me not come over. 

Phil > will do.

Phil remembers how he’d been pissed off just seeing a notification from Dan. And how he'd packed all his things up all neatly. And how he'd sat in the empty room crying for at least an hour. 

He remembers finishing the laundry the day after he'd sent off the box of Dan’s things, and pulling a monochrome checkered duvet out of the dryer, and crying again. 

He’d gone and laid it atop the bare mattress in what had become the guest room. 

__________

What Phil remembers most is realizing - slowly, then all at once. 

He remembers noticing Dan’s videos become few and far between. The fans saying he looked paler. Skinnier. Tired. 

He remembers a lot of his YouTube friends drifting away from him, not completely, but enough to be noticeable.

On Dan’s return to YouTube - or more accurately, return to a more regular upload schedule - Phil remembers seeing quite a few collaborations between Dan and those friends, as if they were watching over him.

In one of Louise’s vlogs, she mentioned that she was going to visit Dan, because he felt a bit sick - Phil remembers that specific moment as when everything snapped into place.

Dan was sick.

The next few dozen thoughts Phil can recall are all along the lines of stupid, stupid, how could he have been so stupid?

__________

Phil > i’m so fucking sorry

Phil > God dan I was such an idiot

Phil > I’m sorry i’m so sorry

… 

Dan > who is this? 

Phil remembers throwing his phone across the room, then. 

__________

Phil remembers seeing Dan at YouTube events, in passing or at panels, even making small talk with him occasionally. 

He remembers seeing the changes like a time-lapse; he saw Dan’s smile get brighter, his voice get louder, his posture get taller, his everything get happier. 

He was beautiful, and it ached. 

__________

When Dan moved to Los Angeles, Phil remembers not sleeping for three nights. 

On the fourth night, he fell asleep on his couch, curled up in a monochrome checkered duvet. 

__________

Phil’s determined to at least have one proper conversation with Dan at this convention. He can do it. He's sure he can. 

He feels that familiar anger at himself rise up again because in six years he hasn't shaken the feeling that Phil without Dan is fundamentally wrong, that his whole universe is slightly off-kilter, and in six years all he's managed to do about it is pine hopelessly after his ex who lives in fucking America and deleted his number a long time ago.

It is so super creepy to still be in love with someone you've barely spoken to in six years, isn't it? Phil feels his eyes pricking and buries his head in his arms atop the airplane seat back tray table. He’s pathetic.

__________

“Dan?”

Phil waits until there's a smaller group of people surrounding his old friend before going to approach him. When he does, he's met with a gorgeous smile. 

“Phil! Hi, how are you?” 

As Dan speaks, Anthony strides up beside him with a similar smile and throws an arm around his shoulders. Phil always forgets that they live together. 

“I - I guess I’m doing well,” Phil manages with a soft chuckle, scratching the back of his neck. “Nothing too big going on right now. What about you? Er - you two?”

He earns a laugh from Anthony at that. “We’ve actually kind of got something - oh, hold on, Dan, you've got a Skylar hair.”

Anthony picks a strand of white fur from the front of Dan’s shirt and holds it out; Dan blows it out of his palm. Phil feels a pang of jealousy. 

It must show on his face in some way, because Dan giggles at him and explains, “Don't worry, it's just dog fluff. Samoyeds are probably a bad choice for people who wear all black, if you were wondering.”

Phil grins, “That's not his fault! He can't help being a puffy boy.”

Dan starts to smile back, then Anthony shows him something on his phone and he nods, half hugging Anthony before he walks away with a wave to them both, phone to his ear. 

Phil raises an eyebrow; Dan rolls his eyes with a smile. “Something for a project,” he supplies. 

He starts walking in another direction, so confident Phil can tell he's intended to follow. 

“So. How are you really, Phil?” 

The tone isn't mean, but it's colder. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Phil,” Dan sighs. “Don't bullshit me. You usually at least try to avoid me at these things.”

Phil feels his ears go hot, and he swallows. “You - I -” 

“Yes, I have cracked the master code to your notoriously inconspicuous hiding places. Are you surprised?”

“I can smell the sarcasm.” 

They're heading down some dim corridor and Phil wonders how Dan knows his way around before reminding himself that Dan lives in Los Angeles, he's probably at this convention building all the time. 

“Good on you, then.”

Phil sniffs the air dramatically. “Hm, still there.”

Dan stops in front of a door and gives him a questioning look. “What are you after? I always wondered what the point of following me around was if you weren't going to talk to me, but now you are. What's going on, Phil?”

“Dan, I -” Phil takes a deep breath and decides to just say it. “I miss you.”

Phil sees Dan’s lips slowly curl into a smile - it's a smile Phil doesn't think he's ever seen before. 

And then Dan gets a little too far into Phil’s personal space, and Phil honestly doesn't know who kisses first.  
It's slow and gentle and familiar. Phil can taste coffee and caramel and thinks about telling Dan he shouldn't drink caffeine so late at night; Dan’s big hands smooth down the small of his back and Phil sighs happily, thinking this is both the most confused and relaxed he has been in a long time. 

They stumble back a step - then Dan presses Phil’s back against the door. He pins Phil’s hands above his head and twines their fingers; he catches Phil's bottom lip between his teeth and makes him whine. 

And then Dan pulls away, just an inch or two. He lets Phil’s hands go, and his own hands drop to Phil's shoulders, rubbing little circles into them. 

“I miss you too,” Dan breathes. 

“But I deserve better than someone who gave up on me.”

“Dan, I'm sor-”

Hands on his cheeks, lips on his lips. 

“I love you so damn much.”

Dan disappears behind the double door, which locks behind him. A few seconds later, Phil faintly hears the opening to Fur Elise. He guesses the doors are to a side stage. He wonders if Dan plays here often.

__________

In a nice room on the fourteenth floor of a Los Angeles hotel, Phil Lester pulls the thick white comforter from his bed, replacing it with, pulled from his own suitcase, a monochrome checkered duvet. 

Phil remembers the last time Dan Howell kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> ⚘ tumblrs:  
> main / ourstarbucksofa  
> nsfw writing / glitchdh
> 
> you ever just gotta get your sad out real quick  
> yeah same here


End file.
